The roka when one family is in Melbourne and the other is in Punjab

The roka is the moment both families say yes. It used to mean two living rooms in the same district, a plate of ladoo, a shagun envelope and everyone’s uncles. For a growing share of Punjabi families in Australia and New Zealand it now means one living room in Tarneit, one in Jalandhar, and a phone propped against a pressure cooker so the dadi can see.

Here is how families here are actually doing it, and the handful of things that go wrong when nobody plans.

Decide what the roka is for

Before logistics, agree what the two families mean by it. For some it is a private promise between the couple and the parents; for others it is the thaka, a formal acceptance with the extended family present and gifts exchanged. Families from the same district can still mean different things. Have that conversation, ideally through whoever introduced you, before anyone books a flight.

Who travels, and when

The usual pattern now is a video roka first, in-person later. The couple and immediate family do the ceremony on a call, gifts are exchanged through relatives on each side, and the physical meeting of the families happens when someone next travels, often folded into the engagement or the wedding trip itself.

If one side is going to fly for it, it is almost always the Australian or New Zealand side going to Punjab, for the simple reason that a visitor visa to India is straightforward and a visitor visa to Australia for parents from Punjab is not. Plan for that, and do not let the Indian side feel they are being asked to bear a cost they cannot.

The call itself

A few things that make a video roka feel like a roka and not a Teams meeting:

• One person on each side hosts and introduces everyone by relationship, not just name. “This is Jasdeep’s chacha ji, my father’s younger brother, he runs the farm in Moga.”
• Do the ardaas if the families would do one in person. Many families ask the granthi at their local gurdwara to lead it on the call; the gurdwaras in Craigieburn, Glenwood, Takanini and others are used to the request.
• Keep the shagun physical. Send it with a relative, or have a relative in Punjab present it on the Australian family’s behalf. Money sent by transfer works but lands differently.
• Record it, with everyone’s knowledge. Someone’s grandmother will want to watch it again.

Gifts across the border

Australian and New Zealand customs rules are strict on food and plant products, and the ladoo, pinni and dry fruit that travel with every rishta are exactly what gets declared and binned at Tullamarine. Sweets bought in Melbourne or Auckland and delivered locally are the safer version of the same gesture. Gold is fine to carry but must be declared above the threshold; check the current figure before someone flies with a set.

The timing nobody mentions

If the couple will end up living in Australia or New Zealand, the visa timeline starts to matter the moment the roka is done, and it is longer than most families expect. A partner visa application from outside Australia is measured in many months, sometimes more than a year; New Zealand’s partnership pathway needs evidence of living together that a couple who met through a rishta will not have yet. Families who plan the wedding date around the visa rather than the other way round save themselves a great deal of grief. There is a separate guide on the questions to ask before a rishta involving a visa; read it before the roka, not after.

When the two sides disagree

It happens, usually about scale: one side wants a hall, the other wants the living room. The person who introduced you, whether a relative or a matchmaker, is the right one to carry the awkward message. That is what a vichola was always for. On Rishta the matchmaker is a woman from the community who is never from either family’s city, which turns out to be exactly the distance the job needs.